For years I have dreamt about the family I would one day have. Somehow in all my planning and scheming about the future, life never felt like it would be complete until there were little ones under foot. And then I was pregnant. Over the course of those months, I couldn't help but feel like I was born for this. I couldn't wait to be a mother, for my life's pace to slow; to be forced to grapple with the fleeting passage of time as I watched my own child grow and change every. single. day.
And now, here I am three months into the most important job of my life. It is everything that I anticipated (and more) and also not like anything I could have imagined. While pregnant, I knew that I would love the child growing inside of me, but I couldn't anticipate the way I would feel when her little hand reaches out for me in the night, or how her smiles are always biggest in the morning, as if we are all meeting again for the very first time, or the way that she buries her head into the crook of my neck when she needs a break from this big world.
And, I didn't fully understand the responsibility of it all. Oh, I have known what kind of parent I wanted to be for a long time now. We believe in imagination and play, wholesomeness, and slowing down around these parts. I knew I wanted to parent with intention and to honor and respect all the stages of childhood without hurrying its pace or asking my child to be something that she's not. But I did not anticipate how I am this child's world right now. That every one of my actions and decisions play a part in shaping my little one's reality. I didn't know how quite it would be, here at home, day in and day out, with just an infant and that the way my girl would see the world was very much related to how I chose to live. I didn't know that motherhood, when done mindfully, is actually a living meditation on patience, selflessness, and appreciation. And, that every new day is an opportunity to adjust and improve on one's practice. Because motherhood is beautiful, but its also very hard.
And so, as those hazy newborn days drift further and further away, I realize that I am settling into this role of mama. Just as the season is changing around these parts so too am I.
Papa and baby