Friday, May 3, 2013

On Patience. Or, you can't have it all

I've been thinking a lot lately about the choices that we make and how they color our reality.  How I often feel stuck in a situation when really I am there out of my own doing.  It's as if my ideals don't quite line up with reality. I profess the values of living simply, living contentedly with less, having a humble heart and yet I struggle with wanting more and wishing for better.  Those principles that I hold most dear don't always come easy to me.

Sometimes I wish we had more time to spend together as a family (Drew works long hours) or more money to get nicer things, go out to fancier meals, buy a home with a backyard.  Or I miss my career and leading a life outside of the home. And it's so easy to feel cheated out of something that I believe I deserve (entitlement is such a nasty quality, isn't?).  When really we are where we are (which is really a rather lovely place to be when you get right down to it) because of the choices we have made.  We are creatures of free will and as such life doesn't just happen to us, we play a role in it.  We chose to have a child before 30, before established careers, before the house with the backyard.  We choose to live off of one meager paycheck so that I can stay home with our daughter; so we can raise her ourselves. And these are choices.  And we are lucky, oh so very lucky to have the opportunity to make these choices.

And really life is wonderful.  Not perfect, by any means, but really good.  There is laughter, early morning snuggles, home-cooked meals, family down the road, beautiful surroundings, a caring community at our doorstep, a delightful and healthy baby, and the willingness to keep doing the work to live a life of our choosing.  So when I begin to feel anxious, or impatient about the way things are now I try my best to remind myself that this is it.  This is as much a part of our story as any of those other things one day will be. And every day  I get a little better at being the person I want to be.  But, my oh my, sometimes it's such hard work choosing to be happy.  Because, happiness, I believe, is a choice too.  Though it's not effortless, and sometimes I have to work real hard at it, I am happy and it makes my heart glad knowing that all I have to do is stare into my daughters face to know I would make the same choices all over again if it meant getting to be her mama.

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